Lovely musings

i was thinking about one whom i loved-one of time and place past. i wonder what he is doing now, if he has a new love, if he actually admits to love...as he did not with me. he was somewhat of a springboard inward, a tool used to dig myself out of myself. i can only hope the experience was the same for him. he wrote me a poem once, entitled "the flower that crushed the stone." i was that flower, have i been replaced? i reminisce almost as if this escapade of love had been recent-it was not. time has absolutely gone by, and i have changed and grown, yet i often wonder about this man, this one who had such an affect on me. i wonder if he knows the full extent of all his words at all times. goodness, of course not! do we ever really know the implication of the words we share? we can "intend" and "mean" the snot out of something, and it can be taken completely differently than we meant to say it. he hurt me and i wonder if that is what he thought he was doing or if he just felt that he needed to be honest...or better yet, maybe he couldn't even be honest with himself, therefore he did not, in fact, know what he felt, and that is why he said what he said...believing all the while that he meant it, yet not actually knowing the truth. he would say i am crazy (especially in this bit of a frenzy that i have worked myself into). i just remember knowing how he felt by his actions, not by his words. he contradicted his words with his actions. i know, it is usually the other way around, but not with this one. i still have a place in my heart for him. i no longer wish to be with him, yet he will always be with me in some way. that is the beauty, the pain and everything in between.